A lot of the reason I left Salem was because I felt I needed to get out of the “bubble.” I have lived a relatively sheltered life; I was homeschooled in a socially confined environment until junior high; in junior high and high school my only social circle was a suburbian Baptist church where 50% of the families either homeschooled or privateschooled; in college I attended a Baptist college (now university) with a student body of just under 1,000 (it’s closer to 1,100 now, I believe). Then for three years I lived and worked in Salem, Oregon. It may house Oregon’s capitol and the Oregon state fair, but other than that, nothing happens in Salem. I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that in Oregon’s third-largest (or second-largest, depending on who’s counting) city, you can drive 10 minutes one way and end up in farmland; 10 minutes another way and end up downtown; 10 minutes another way and end up among affluent neighborhoods; and 10 minutes another way and end up in a sort of middle-class suburbia.
Maybe I just do it to myself — or maybe I really just can’t survive for long in my native pond — but I have always felt a discontent that I was “missing out” on something by not residing with the world at large. Anyway, long story short, I chose to go to grad school in southern California, less than an hour from L.A.
Nearly every day I wake up, look around my room, and think “I’m in effing California.” I was astonishingly comfortable with my Salem life. Now, many days I waver between two main thoughts: doubt — “I think REALLY differently from pretty much everybody…can I really make it here believing the things I do?” and trust — “I DO think really differently from pretty much everybody…but I can be openminded without abandoning what I believe, and I need to do this in order to get to where I really want to be” — which is inspiring people through literature and writing, and maybe even provoking a little joy in them as we learn.
I see my academic experience as a microcosm of the bigger experience of what it means to be a Christian in a not Christian world. Like I said before, maybe it’s just part of my nature to seek tension and paradox. But already I feel pulled in two different directions. Academia demands that I think one way. Much of Christian culture (though not necessarily Christianity, as I see it) demands that I think another. But this just causes me to ask why the two can’t find more places to agree. To put it simply, I love Jesus and I love books, and a lot of other things; but I frequently feel frustrated by what seems like closedmindedness from both sides.
I freely admit that there is much I don’t know about academia, and maybe it’s not as difficult as I think. After all, I’ve been here only two months. Perhaps what I feel is merely the new feeling of being in a minority for once, and as of now I find it uncomfortable. I also know I need to not be afraid of others disagreeing when I share my opinion, because we’re here to discuss and explore, not arrive at a consensus.
[Here comes a bit of confession, so if you're not into that stuff, I suggest skipping two paragraphs down.]
But back to the bigger experience of being a Christian in a not Christian world. As I grow more conscious of the differences between me and the culture around me, I also grow more conscious of how I often fail in living what I believe. My thoughts and deeds are not always of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22). On the contrary — they are often arrogant, inconsiderate, selfish, and impatient. I am not a perfect person, and I do not intend to pass myself off as such. I only want to love God and others — which is harder than it sounds. But God willing, I will learn to do better and better.
* * *
A few weeks, a few words, a few people, and a little (or a lot of) sheer perseverance can make a lot of difference in perspective.
When I last blogged, I felt bogged down by homesickness and fear. It’s not that I don’t feel both of those now, but I have other things to feel too. Relying on Christ for my deepest relational needs isn’t always easy, but then again perhaps no other teacher teaches better than Necessity. And He has given me enough people here to have fun with, work with, and encourage.
One of the biggest encouragements has been the positive response to my writing. I honestly didn’t expect it, but it happened, and now something has set itself into motion. The more I reflect on it, and the more I ask myself what I really want to do with my life, the more I get only one answer: write. And I think I will…no matter the cost. For anyone that knows me and knows how much I loathe and fear failure, this is a big step. Trying your hand at something so delicate and subjective means losing control over your ego. But then I remind myself that Jesus holds my value, and really, I have nothing left to lose.
Who knows, maybe soon I’m going to encounter another and more difficult challenge, and I will feel differently. Right now, though, I have enough inspiration to take the next couple steps. Could it be more? Yes, always; but it could always be less, too. But I will choose to be content with what’s in front of me.
Reading: War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy; Faith of the Fallen (Sword of Truth #6), Terry Goodkind
Listening: Tiger Suit, KT Tunstall
Watching: Daria season 1; 30 Rock season 3; Glee season 2; Bones season 6
Playing: …nope…something had to go…
